The Princess Host
by alliesings
Summary: Cassie is sick, and Jack tells her a story. A Parody of the Princess Bride starring some of my favorite SG characters. Post Shades of Gray.


_Once you see the first"rule line"you've gotten into the story, and you can tell who's telling which part because Jack's words are in regular type, and Cassie's are in italics. Then, toward the end the second "rule line" tells you when it goes back to a normal format. It makes sense in the story._

_(There is a passing reference to a cameo roll J.R. Bourne had played in another movie. Cookies if you figure it out.)_

The Princess Host.

Cassie had the flu. All of these strange Earth bugs were new to her poor alien immune system, and one had snuck past her mom's flu shot and gotten her. Zat

She was miserable, and didn't even have a Nintendo to play, because her mom thought she should be reading or sleeping. Poor Cassie.

After two days of sleep and loneliness, she finally got a visitor.

"Jack!" She sat up in her bed and reached up to hug her friend. "Did you bring Sam with you?"

"Not this time, kiddo, but I did bring this." He held up a video, _The Princess Bride_.

"Oh," she tried not to look too disappointed. "I've already seen it three times since I got sick."

"Sorry, Cass. Since it's one of your favorites, I didn't bring anything else with me."

"Will you tell me a story?"

"Hmm. What do you want to hear about?"

"Fencing, fighting, escapes, true love."

"I thought you didn't want to watch _The Princess Bride _again."

"I don't. I want you to tell me a story."

"Okay, but you have to help me."

"Ooo. That sounds like fun. Start."

* * *

Once upon a time, there lived a young woman named Cas-

_Samantha._

Okay, Samantha, who lived-

_At the SGC._

At the SGC, where she was a Theoretical Astrophysicist.

_Ooo, Big words._

May I continue, young lady?

_Of course._

And at the SGC there was a man named. . .

_Jack._

Jack? You know this isn't going to work.

_Why not?_

The SGC has regs.

_There are no regs in fairy tales._

Why does it have to be me?

_Because I'm sick, and I want you to tell the story this way._

Yes, Ma'am. At the SGC, a man named Jack was Samantha's commanding officer, but there were no regs because it's a fairy tale. Is there going to be a fairy?

_No, but there will be a miracle man if we ever get past the introduction._

There was a man named Jack, but she never called him that.

"Sir, the research I'm doing with naqueda is very important."

"You're way smarter than I am."

But what she didn't know is that when he was saying 'You're way smarter than I am,' what he was really saying was-

_I love you._

I'm not going to say that.

_You don't have to. I already did. _

_And they worked together for many months, growing closer each time they went through the Stargate._

I'm telling this story thank you. Where does Jack go to become a pirate?

_He goes through the Stargate and gets kidnapped by a Goa'uld. And Samantha is very sad._

Carter is an officer, and she won't just hang around being sad. She takes SG-3 and launches a rescue mission. But she gets kidnapped by the evil prince Binar.

_Who's Binar?_

An evil, power hungry Goa'uld. Anyway, Binar wanted Samantha to be his princess, but she did not want to marry him. She wanted to go find Jack.

_And Binar made her a princess._

Why would he do that? Snakeheads usually make people hosts.

_It's part of the story._

All right, Binar makes her the princess of Netu, the Underworld.

_That sounds scary._

It is, believe me. A short time later, he announces to all the other evil, power hungry snakeheads that on the 3,000 year anniversary of his father, King Sokar's ascension to the throne, he will retire to a lovely tropical planet. (Although Sokar didn't really strike me as the beach type, he's dead, so let's get on with the story.) Binar will become King of the Underworld, marry Princess Samantha, put a snake in her head, and make her queen.

_Poor Samantha!_

Oh, but it gets worse, for you see, although Binar was impressed by Princess Samantha's pretty face and blonde hair, he secretly hated her because she had once been host to the Tok'ra, Jolinar, who had betrayed him.

Although she was a prisoner, she didn't have to stay on Netu all the time. She was allowed to roam Sokar's palace on the planet Netu orbited. One day, when she was riding around in Sokar's equivalent of a motorcycle, she saw three men by the side of the road, standing outside a very small transport ship. The tallest one was holding a sign that said, "We need help." The kind-hearted Princess Samantha always wanted to help people, so she stopped her bike, and asked what the problem was.

The evil masked figure recognized that it had to be Princess Samantha because she had a special leather outfit that she wore when she went riding. His evil plan was working.

"What do you need help with?" Princess Samantha asked.

"Our Hyperdrive generator isn't working, and we need someone with the knowledge of their workings to fix it for us."

"Well, you're in luck," she answered, "because I was a bit of a hyperdrive mechanic before I was captured by Sokar and made a princess."

The tall, dark, strong looking man with a gold emblem on his forehead (_Teal'c!) _lead her back to the engine room. Under the watchful eye of the lanky, sandy haired one, she opened the drawer thingy with all the crystals in it.

"There's nothing wrong with this." she said.

"Then there will be nothing preventing us from kidnapping you." the masked figure said, taking his mask off and revealing that he was really a puffer fish, I mean, Apophis.

"Didn't I see you die?" Princess Samantha asked, right before the hot blue fire of a zat engulfed her.

_Ouch! _

Yeah, ouch is right, kiddo.

So, while Princess Samantha was unconscious, the bad guys discussed their evil plot. Now, the leader, as you know, was Apophis, formerly one of the most powerful system lords, and Teal'c was his first prime. The third one was Martouf, a Tok'ra pretending to be a Goa'uld so he could rescue Princess Samantha, but no one knows that but him.

_I know because you told me._

Apophis now filled the other two in on the plan. Sokar had hired Apophis to kidnap the princess, pretending to be from Lord Yu (_Me?_) no, Y-U, Yu so that he would have a reason to start a war with Yu -ah! him. Got it?

_Sokar hired Apophis to start a war with Yu._

Not me. No one knows who I am yet.

_Now who's being silly, Jack?_

So, the bad guys were cruising along, heading toward Yu's empire. They actually didn't want to travel with hyperdrive because they wanted to be seen. Martouf, watching the controls, noticed that a ship seemed to be following them. It was a huge ship, and not of Goa'uld design.

"Someone appears to be following us."

"That is inconceivable. No one should be missing the princess for several more Earth hours. It's probably some alien out for a pleasure cruise through Unas infested waters, ur Space."

_That makes no sense._

Shh!

They were nearing one of Yu's planets and hoped that they would be harder to find down on the ground, but as they entered the planet's orbit, a voice came over their speaker system, and a hologram appeared on their ship.

"I am the Dread Supreme Commander Thor the Gray." Thor was an imposing man in Norse costume. "Surrender the Princess, or be destroyed."

Apophis looked defiantly at the hologram. "If you care about the princess so much, you won't destroy the ship. You'll have to follow us down to the planet where your ship can not help you."

_Why didn't Thor just beam her off Apohpis's ship?_

Well, that would make the story really short, now, wouldn't it?

_Good point._

Now, Thor didn't want to come down to the planet, because his hologram was only a disguise. He had to think fast. The smaller ship he was following would be more maneuverable along the ground, and he really didn't want to get involved in any internal Goa'uld affairs. Unfortunately, his transporting technology was inoperative at the time. He got one of the Asgard to start working on repairs, and prepared to go down in a little ship, instructing his crew to cloak and keep in communication in case he needed some backup.

He'd been in the intimidation business long enough that he had established a way of handling situations in person instead of from inside his ship when necessary. He wore an elaborate costume that allowed him freedom of movement, but also hid a small amount of naqueda to activate his hand device that was part of his Goa'uld costume. The costume included a Norse mask, which should keep his enemies from knowing his true identity until it was too late for them.

He used his ship's tracking abilities to follow the four of them until they landed. Then, he waited until he had a good idea which way they were going, left his ship, and followed on foot.

Samantha wasn't leaving the ship without a struggle, but, recognizing Martouf, she didn't want to hurt him. She didn't know who would be worse, Apophis, or the intimidating Dread Commander Thor.

Apophis knew where there was a garrison of Yu's Jaffa on this planet, but not wanting to be shot out of the sky, he'd landed on the other side of a hill. They were in for a long walk. They were half way up a tall hill when Apophis ordered Martouf to stay behind and face Thor alone. Marty sat on a large rock, waiting for the mysterious Thor to catch up. In the mean time, he admired his hand device. He liked it because it was shiny and new and orange.

When his opponent was within shouting distance, he yelled that this was his last chance to turn back or face the wrath of his mighty ribbon device.

"Sorry. I have one too. Why should I be afraid of you?" Thor's voice echoed mightily through the trees.

"I have practiced and studied the many methods of death by ribbon device, and I could throw you off this mountain if you get much closer."

"It's just a hill, Marty, and you don't want to hurt me."

"How do you know my true identity?"

"Cause I know you. I've been to Tok'ra town, and I know all about you."

"How would we not know that the Dread Commander Thor had been to our planet?"

"That's Dread Supreme Commander Thor, and that's for me to know and for you to find out. The point is that we both are on the same side. . . kinda. I don't want the Princess dead any more than you do, so we can work together."

"How can I trust you? I don't easily trust people who wear masks."

"Well, I will eventually take it off, but not before I defeat Apophis. In the mean time, will you let me pass?"

He was almost within range of Martouf's hand device and he knew it.

"I give you my word as a Tok'ra, you will reach the top alive."

"No good. I've known too many Tok'ra." And with that, he zatted Martouf where he stood.

_Poor Martouf._

Oh, he'll be okay.

Feeling only a little sorry for zatting an ally, he knew that he couldn't waste time, for the life of the fair princess Samantha was at stake.

Meanwhile Teal'c and Apophis had reached the top of the hill, and were looking back to see if they could determine the outcome of what they were sure would have been a hard fought hand device duel.

"Inconceivable! This Thor is indeed a cunning master of the hand device."

_"He certainly does not seem nice."_

"This is no time for your rhyming thing."

_"As you wish, my lord and king."_

"Stay behind, and kill him with a staff blast."

_"I assure you, he will not get past."_

"Stop that rhyming now, Kree!"

_"I'll just hide behind this tree."_

_That was fun, can we keep rhyming?_

This really isn't the right timing.

We're not even half way through yet, and your mom will be home soon.

_Okay, so Teal'c is hiding behind a tree._

Right, As Thor climbed the path up the hill, suddenly, a staff blast zipped right by him. He ducked, hoping to survive to see who his assailant was.

"That was a warning shot." A booming, matter of fact voice of Apophis' first prime reached Thor's ears. He peeked his head out.

"I will consider myself warned."

"Turn back, or I will not hesitate to kill you."

"Listen, first prime guy. Do you know that Apophis is not a god? He's just a man with a snake in his head."

"As are you."

"Nope." He turned the voice synthesizer off. "I'm just a human pretending to be a Goa'uld to get the Princess back."

"I can not betray my god."

"He's not a god. I've seen him die."

"Yet, he lives."

"Well, anyone with a sarcophagus can do that. Listen, we have allies, allies that can help to defeat Apophis and save your people."

"Many have said that." Teal'c looked down one side of the mountain, where Apophis was struggling to keep Samantha under control, and down the other side, where a man in funny clothes was offering him help. "But you are the first I believe can do it. How can I help you?"

"First of all, I left your Tok'ra friend down the hill a ways."

"The Tok'ra are but a legend."

"Not this one. He infiltrated Apophis' ranks to help rescue Princess Samantha. Take him to your ship, and wait for us there."

"Indeed."

Once Jack was reasonably sure that the First Prime was on his way down the hill, and not going to shoot him in the back, he started heading down the hill after Apophis. Trying to remain concealed was harder since this side of the hill did not have as many trees. In fact, he was reasonably sure that he had been spotted.

Several minutes later, his suspicion was confirmed when he came out of the trees only to find Princess Samantha blindfolded and tied to a tree.

He made sure his synthesizer and hand device were turned on, and walked toward her.

"Come no further. She is only alive to draw you to this place."

Jack stopped. Apophis continued.

"So, it is down to you, and it is down to me, "

"Yes, so what are we going to do about this?"

"You are going to tell me who you are," Apophis' eyes flashed.

"I am the Dread Supreme Commander Thor the Gray."

"Thor is the enemy of the Goa'uld, and you are not even Gray."

"It's just an expression. Now let her go."

"I am here to kill the Princess and leave her body on this planet. I would have already left, except I wanted to find your true identity. You must tell me, now!"

"Get used to disappointment."

With a roar of anger, he stretched forth his hand. . . and disappeared in a flash of white light.

"Love those guys." Jack said quietly.

"What happened? Who are you?" Samantha demanded.

Jack decided to leave the synthesizer on. "Your knight in shining armor."

"Sir?"

He knew that if he didn't think fast, his cover would be blown.

_Why would he care if his cover was blown now that he's alone with Samantha?_

"I don't know why you address me as Sir," he began, trying to sound like a snakehead. "I am the Dread Commander Thor the Gray, and I am here to kidnap you."

"Are you sure, because he's the only one who calls me 'Carter' like that?"

"I am sure of who I am. Ignore the man behind the mask."

"A reference to The Wizard of Oz! That has to be you."

He turned off the synthesizer. "Well, you always were way smarter than I am." He removed her blindfold and untied her from the tree.

"It is so good to see you, Sir!"

_And Princess Samantha hugged Jack, who had been pretending to be Thor, but that knocked both of them off balance, and they fell down the rest of the way to the bottom of the hill._

_And she was so happy to be rescued that she kissed him._

Does there have to be kissing?

_Well, he said the thing about being way smarter, and that means I love you, so yes, there has to be kissing. Then what?_

Jack's communicator thingy beeped, and interrupted the kissing. (The Asgard have bad timing when it comes to that kind of thing. . . not that I would know.)

"Commander, we have detected vessels of Chronos and Sokar approaching the planet."

"Can you beam us up?"

"Do I appear to be a Scottie to you?"

"This is no time for jokes, guys, can you transport us up yet?"

"I am sorry, commander, but we are still unable to pick you up."

"You picked Apophis up."

"We attempted transport, but we could not rematerialize him. It would not be wise to make a second attempt at this time. You should proceed back to the ship with due haste."

They were either going to have to climb back up and down the hill, or they could attempt to walk around it, but that would take them through... dun dun dun... The Fire Swamp.

_Couldn't you come up with something more original?_

Hey, I could stop, you know.

_Good point._

As you know, Jack was brave; so he fearlessly led Princess Samantha through the

fire swamp.

"I wish I had some of my geo-doohickies with me." Samantha said.

_Doohickies?_

Ahem. "I could identify the location of the snow sand and the bursts of fire if I had it." she continued, "Then all we'd need to worry about is the R.O.U.S.es."

"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist." And at that very moment, a giant rat like thing attacked him.

_He should have said "I do believe in R.O.U.S.es, I do believe in R.O.U.S.es."_

But, this isn't a Wizard of OZ parody, it's a Princess Bride parody, and if you don't mind, I'm being attacked at the moment.

_Right, sorry._

He tried to fight off the R.O.U.S. with his hand device, but forgot that he had turned it off with the voice synthesizer. He reached for his zat, but realized that it had fallen out of his holster when he was knocked to the ground.

"Carter!" he called, and she had sprung for the zat before her name was even out of his lips.

She fired the zat, stunning both man and rodent, but the rodent took the brunt of the energy. She rapidly shot three others that were advancing on their position. The one closest to Jack started to move again; so she shot it again, killing it.

She then crawled toward Jack, wanting to inspect him for wounds, Fortunately, he had enhanced the Thor costume with some practical armor. Both remained at alert for more R.O.U.S.es, but at least they knew that flame spurts and snow sand couldn't sneak up on them. As they sat quietly resting and wishing they had packed power bars, they listened to the popping and spurting of the flame spurts until they figured out just what to listen to avoid them. That made Jack feel better, not wanting to put Princess Samantha in any unnecessary danger.

Once they had rested, they decided that they couldn't afford to wait much longer.

Sam, having a naturally curious mind, took the opportunity to ask Jack about how he'd come to rescue her.

"Sir, I've been wanting to ask you. How could you be the Dread Supreme Commander Thor unless..." She backed away from him. "I do sense naqueda. I had been so happy to be rescued, I didn't even-"

And before Jack had a chance to remind her about the naqueda pack, she had backed into a patch of snow sand and disappeared.

_Oh, no!_

Princess Samantha does not die at this time.

_Wasn't that supposed to come earlier?_

Hey, trust me. If you're getting impatient, I can skip the whole sand thing, and go straight to the next part.

_You just want to skip the kissing part._

Smart kid. Jack rescued her and there was more kissing. Even though the real Carter is not this high maintenance, you know.

_I know. _

So, they headed out of the fire swamp, but Sam remembered that she hadn't finished her question last time. "So, if you aren't a Goa'uld, then how could you be the Dread Supreme Commander Thor when he's been around for hundreds of years and you only got kidnapped last year?"

"It's a fascinating story, really. You see, it was not the Goa'uld who kidnapped me. I had triggered some Ancient technology, and the Asgard -- that's Thor's race -- wanted my genes. It turns out that the Thor that strikes fear into the hearts of snakes everywhere is just a hologram. The real Thor, Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet, is gray, about three feet tall, and is currently defending his homeworld against a danger far greater than the Goa'uld."

_What danger is far greater than the Goa'uld?_

I don't know. Thor hasn't told us any specifics.

_You mean this danger is real?_

Sorry, kiddo, I didn't mean for your bedtime story to scare you for real. The Asgard live in another galaxy. Whatever danger they are in isn't going to come here, and if it did, I would protect you.

_Of course you would. Okay, are we going to meet count Rugen soon?_

We sure are, in fact Jack thinks his ship is in orbit right now. Of course Jack doesn't know that they have come down right outside the fire swamp and are about to ambush them.

_Poor Jack._

Okay, Jack and Princess Samantha emerge from the Fire Swamp, glad to step out into the sunshine, but unaware that there are Jaffa everywhere.

"The ship you came in with Marty and the First Prime should be just around here less than a click away."

"The Jaffa's name is Teal'c. You didn't hurt Martouf, did you?"

"Nah, I just zatted him."

Before Carter, I mean Princess Samantha had time to worry much about Martouf's fate, they suddenly found themselves surrounded by Jaffa.

"Tauri, do not attempt to defend yourself or you will be killed." Chronos looked as tough as he could.

"Oh that, of course. You know, I have a ship with transporting technology in orbit. All I have to do is say the word, and we will be whisked away in a beam of white light. Chronos, what are you doing here anyway, this is Binar's show?"

'Any time now guys,' Jack thought, hoping his crew had heard his boast and were ready to make good on it any time now.

"Binar is only a minor Goa'uld, and not yet a full system lord. Sokar had other matters to attend to, so I am overseeing your capture, and ensuring that Princess Samantha is returned to her intended."

Binar glared out of one eye. "This host has suffered irreparable damage. Maybe I would be better off taking this one as a host before my wedding." He swaggered toward Jack and Samantha, who were standing shoulder to shoulder. "How would you like that, my Princess. Would you prefer to wed this body?"

Samantha looked hard at Binar with distain in her eyes. "Not that it would matter to me, since I would be a host myself. No, I will not do anything to sacrifice Colonel O'Neill."

_That's really different from the movie._

I told you the real Carter isn't that high maintenance. She's a soldier, and wouldn't let her feelings get in the way of her duty. But in the end, none of the talking helped. Binar zatted both Samantha and Jack, and took them back to Sokar's Palace. Of course, they didn't tell Samantha that Jack had been sent to Netu, because they didn't want her to mount another rescue mission. They told her he was dead.

_And Princess Samantha was really sad and did cry this time, because now she knew that he loved her too._

Cass, you're hopeless.

So while Jack was on Netu, being tortured, Samantha was preparing for her wedding, but being as unhelpful as possible to try to dissuade Binar from keeping her. Unfortunately, Binar knew that it all would change once the symbiote chosen for her was mature, and that was only days away now.

_I guess since Sam didn't betray you, you can spare me the nightmares, too._

How thoughtful of you. Now, don't you want to know where Teal'c and Martouf have been all this time?

_For sure._

Well, Teal'c had found Martouf walking around in a daze. He informed the dizzy Tok'ra that he had changed allegiances and was now on his side. Although Martouf was a bit disturbed that his cover had been blown, he was anxious to get back to the ship, and didn't worry too much about Teal'c.

Martouf wanted to wait for Thor and Samantha, but was worried that Apophis would return in the mean time. After several hours it became apparent that neither Thor nor Apophis was coming back, and he persuaded Teal'c to go with him to the Tok'ra base to see if there was any intel regarding the whereabouts of Princess Samantha, or who the strange Goa'uld was who had zatted him and not killed him.

Having betrayed his god, Teal'c had no place else to go, but had a lot of respect for Jack, whose name he didn't know, but he knew he had a lot of respect for him. If he said that this Tok'ra was trustworthy, then he would trust him.

When the arrived on the Tok'ra planet, Princess Samantha's dad, Jacob met them.

"Did you return with my daughter?"

"I am afraid not, Jacob. I was attempting to rescue her when I was knocked out by a Goa'uld I've never seen before, named Thor."

"Sir," Teal'c began, "I do not believe that Thor is a Goa'uld. He claimed to be a human, and that he spared Martouf because he knew he was a Tok'ra."

Martouf's face brightened at that. "That reminds me. Right before he Zatted me, he said something about knowing too many Tok'ra. Who of the Tauri knows too many Tok'ra?"

"Jack!" Jacob said.

_Jacob is very smart. _

Yes. Where did you think Carter gets it? "It all makes sense. None of the Goa'uld had claimed to have him, it makes sense that they didn't. Well, if he has Sam, then they could be on their way home, now."

They dialed up Earth to see if the SCG had heard back from Princess Samantha or Jack. When Jacob heard that the SCG still hadn't heard from them, be began to worry again. "If that Colonel O'Neill has let anything happen to my daughter, he'll wish he'd never met me."

Both the Tok'ra and the SGC promised to contact the other if they heard anything. General Hammond hoped the Tok'ra would keep their word, but felt a bit better knowing that Jack and Sam were together wherever they were.

He couldn't have been more wrong. Binar had many ways of torturing people, and just being on Netu was torture on the eyes and lungs. Jack was hidden away in a very hot and dirty place where Princess Samantha would never find him, even if she knew he was alive and was looking.

_But the whole time Jack was being tortured, he just kept on thinking of Princess Samantha and how he would retire and take her fishing once he got out of Netu._

Are you plotting against me?

_The story's ending will be much better if he admits that he loves her._

Remind me next time to just tell you that you are too old for stories and give you crossword puzzles instead.

_I'll stop for now._

Humph.

So, now the implantation and wedding were only two days away. Sokar made a big announcement inviting all of the big shot Goa'uld to attend the wedding and make Binar his replacement in the council of the system lords.

When the Tok'ra received word, they were suddenly very worried. If Samantha was going to become a host in just two days, where was Jack? Something had to be done.

Now, Martouf had two very good reasons to want to be sent on this mission. First of all, he cared very much for Princess Samantha, but secondly, he was out for revenge. You see, Jolinar, his mate, had been killed by a minion of Chronos, and he knew that Chronos was going to be at this big wedding celebration. Now he could get personal revenge on the one responsible for his true love's death.

So, Martouf and Teal'c wanted to go rescue Samantha and kill Chronos. But they needed Jack's help, and no one had ever been rescued from Netu without Jolinar's help. Just thinking about it, Martouf wanted to kill Binar, too, but he didn't know if there would be time for that.

What they needed was a miracle, and Martouf knew just the Miracle Man to go see.

They took the Stargate to the SGC, and asked to see Miracle Daniel. The SFs looked at him kind of strangely, but lead him to level 21. Martouf thought it looked an awful lot like the infirmary, and sure enough Daniel was in the infirmary, lying in a bed with a broken arm, reading ancient texts and watching Janet mix funny looking liquids together.

"Miracle Daniel, we need your help to rescue Jack from Netu."

"Netu? No one can be rescued from Netu. You'd need a real miracle for that, and I just don't have that kind of magic."

"Oh, don't listen to him." Doc Janet said, holding a big needle. "Daniel, you don't need to make silly excuses. These allies want to go rescue Sam and Jack. Don't you want them rescued from Sokar?"

"Yes, but what can I do to help?"

"Isn't there an ancient text you could read to help us?" Martouf inquired.

"Nope, all the texts just say that no one can escape, unless it's true love. This isn't true love, just loyalty between friends."

_"Liar! Liar!" Janet yelled before returning to her normal self. "You know this is true love, Daniel. You know Sam loves Jack, and would do whatever it took to rescue him."_

_"But this is Jack they are trying to rescue so he can help rescue Sam. Do you think he loves her?"_

_"Yes, of course. He just hadn't figured it out last time we saw him but he's since been kidnapped, tried to rescue Sam, and been kidnapped again. He's being tortured as we speak. I'm sure he loves Sam enough now. It just took being kidnapped to realize it." _

You must think I'm really thick-headed.

_I'm just helping you tell a story. Is Mom married to Daniel in this story?_

What do you think?

_I think they are. I can't wait to tell Mom. Jack, when you were gone for three months, did you miss me?_

Of course.

_Did you miss Sam?_

Yeah, I missed everyone back here.

_Sam didn't think you missed her._

Listen kiddo, just because I hadn't been kidnapped by Asgard or tortured by Binar, doesn't mean I had a great vacation for three months. I missed you and Carter and your mom and Daniel and Teal'c and everyone.

_What about when you went on that NID mission?_

That was supposed to be top secret.

_I was really scared, and mom told me the truth once she found out so I wouldn't worry any more._

I'm sorry Cass. The Air Force doesn't think of you guys as my family. But I do. I don't always like my missions, but it's my job. Are you okay now?

_Yeah._

Good. Back to the story?

_Okay._

Okay, where were we?

_Australia._

Uh, no. I think we were in the infirmary.

_Yeah, but I hadn't gotten to say 'Australia' earlier, and I wanted to say it now._

Happy now?

_Yes._

So, Daniel said that if it was indeed 'twu wuv' then he may be able to help. He and Janet gave Marty some technology that would help them, some maps of Netu, and an ancient 'twu wuv' detector that activated some other cool healing technology.

_Why didn't the Tok'ra give them the healing device?_

Because Miracle Daniel had to have something to do.

So, back in the gate room, Martouf and Teal'c approached the open wormhole, as they walked up the ramp, they heard Miracle Daniel and his wife Doc Janet say "Bye, bye boys. Have fun storming the castle."

Then they stepped through the wormhole, and didn't hear Daniel ask "Think it'll work?"

"It would take a miracle."

Not knowing that their mission was doomed, they arrived on the Tok'ra planet, got into the scout ship, and headed for Netu.

They landed on the planet, something anyone could do, but no one ever did because they'd been told they couldn't. They followed the maps that Miracle Daniel had given them, and used their 'twu wuv' detector to find Jack.

"Why would Jack's 'twu wuv' be stronger than anyone else's in this place?" Teal'c asked.

"Tonight, his 'twu wuv' marries another. He has the most reason to be sad and the highest level of 'twu wuv' detectability."

They followed the map down to the deepest, darkest, hottest part of the hellish moon, and there they found Jack lying mostly dead in a cell. Unfortunately, he was being guarded by the keeper of the gate, a man named Walter, formerly known as the Cheveron guy who had been snaked and now worked for Binar.

Marty said, "Give us the key."

"I know not of a key." was the dumb snake's response.

"T, break his arms."

"Oh, you mean this key." For Teal'c was so big and strong, even minor goa'uld feared him. "But it won't do you any good. He is mostly dead, and there is no sarcophagus on Netu."

"Thanks, we'll take our chances."

Now remember, Marty doesn't have a regular healing device; he has the 'twu wuv' detector healing device combo.

_Ooo, ooo, my turn. And so he tried it on Jack, but Jack was too weak to even speak almost. And Marty said it would only work if he wanted to be healed to be reunited with his 'twu wuv.' _

_"Carter." Was all that poor, mostly-dead Jack could say, but the love in his heart was so pure that it activated the healing device, and pretty soon he was sitting up and looking around._

"I never thought I'd be so happy to see a Tok'ra and a Jaffa. What are you two doing here?"

"Let me explain." Marty began. "No, there is too much, let me sum up. Samantha is to marry Binar and become an unwilling host in little less than half a day. So, all we have to do is escape an inescapable prison, break into Sokar's palace, rescue the princess, and make our escape -- after I kill Chronos, of course."

Jack's head was spinning, but he was glad that at least this time, Marty hadn't left anything to be a surprise, because Jack hates surprises.

"So, what are we waiting for? How are we getting out?"

"We were hoping you had a plan."

"Did you bring zats?"

"The denizens have no weapons. We brought no weapons so we could blend in."

Jack looked at Marty and shook his head,

"Do not worry, O'Neill, I have brought three hidden zat'nic'tel weapons, one for each of us."

"Where did you get those?" Martouf asked.

"I got them from Miracle Daniel. They hid so nicely, and he said I would need them."

"I knew you'd be a good team member." Jack said. "I know the way to a ring transporter, and that will solve the first two problems. Let's go."

"What about our ship?" Martouf asked.

"You can land on Netu, but you can't take off. Otherwise, it wouldn't be inescapable. Hence, the ring transporters."

So, they traveled all the way through the tunnels of Netu until they found Binar's quarters. They zatted everyone they saw and Marty tried to use Daniel's device to unlock the door, but he couldn't.

"Perhaps you don't have the right genes. Let me try it." Jack said, and he tried it and it worked. The door came right open, they went in, and closed the door behind them.

They ringed up, and found that no one was guarding the rings on the planet. This was way easier than they'd thought it would be.

They found the cell that had a pretty sign that said "Princess Samantha" on it, but she wasn't there. She'd already been taken to the great hall to be married and snaked.

They ran through the outrageously decorated corridors until, right outside the great hall, they found Princess Samantha struggling against the Jaffa holding her. The trio let loose zat blasts into the group of soldiers, and moments later, there was just a pile of unconscious bodies.

"Great, now we can take Carter home with us, and we didn't even have to go into the great hall and face all those snakeheads."

"I must." Martouf said, with resolve.

"Why?" Asked Jack.

"I must face Chronos. If I am not at the Chap'pai in three minutes, leave without me."

Jack was too busy trying to drag Jaffa bodies off of Samantha to answer Martouf. When he got to her, she was barely conscious and a little bruised up, but he still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the galaxy.

"Carter, do you hear me?" He paused, but there was no response. "Sam, Sam?"

_Maybe he has to kiss her to wake her up._

That is definitely not part of this story.

_It should be. Why else isn't she waking up._

Because she got zatted?

_No._

Fine.

Jack kissed her, and her eyes opened. "Sir, I knew you'd come for me."

"Of course. I love you, Sam."

"Jack, I love you, too."

"O'Neill, we must go to the Chap'pai before we are discovered."

So, they went down two more corridors until they found a door with a sign that said "Chap'pai" in Goa'uld, but fortunately, Teal'c can read Goa'uld, so it worked out. All of the guards were in the great hall, and they were able to go right on in.

_What about Martouf?_

Well, Marty had entered the anteroom of the great hall where Binar, Sokar and Chronos were waiting with the Jaffa that was carrying the snake intended for Princess Samantha.

"Chronos!" He said, "My name is Martouf of the Tok'ra. You killed my true love. Prepare to die!"

All of the snakeheads had activated their personal shields, but Martouf was not to be deterred. He had attached the "twu wuv" detector to his hand device, and knew that his "twu wuv" would make it stronger. He said it again. "My name is Martouf of the Tok'ra. You killed my true love. Prepare to die!" He thought of his beloved Jolinar, and the hand device, powered by the "twu wuv" detector, blasted right through Chronos' shield, and Chronos died.

Martouf ran to the gate room, dialed an unoccupied planet, in case they were followed, and lead the group through.

Once they were safe on the Tok'ra base, Sam hugged her father, and told him that Jack had rescued her.

Jack told Jacob that he loved his daughter and wanted to marry her. Jacob, who had been off world and didn't know about the no regs situation, didn't think it was a good idea, but when Jack explained it, Jacob agreed.

_"Princess Samantha, will you marry me?" Asked the brave Colonel Jack._

_"I'm not a princess anymore, but I will marry you." She answered, and they kissed, and it was one of the most perfect kisses in all of history._

* * *

"Nice story, guys." Sam pushed the partly open door the rest of the way open and walked in.

"Oh, Carter." Jack looked a little on the embarrassed side. "How long have you been listening?"

"Since Jack thought Princess Samantha was the most beautiful girl in the galaxy."

"Oh."

"Sam, I asked him to tell me a story, and I insisted on him telling me about Princess Samantha in an SGC with no regs."

"You know, Sir, you could have set it in one of those alternate realities."

Cassie brightened up. "Like the ones where you're a scientist and not a Major? That's a good idea. Why don't you do that in real life?"

"Uh, Cass." Jack stood up. "Maybe I should go into the living room."

"Maybe that's a good idea, Sir."

"Cassie," Sam sat down where Jack had just been sitting, "It isn't just as easy as that. Colonel O'Neill and I work together. We have a lot of respect for each other, but we don't want to get married."

"Jack said that he really missed you while he was away, and that he thinks of us as his family."

"He really said that?"

"Yup."

"Well, that's good to hear, isn't it? Your mom is in the kitchen, making supper."

"In the story, she was married to Miracle Daniel."

"Miracle Daniel?"

"Yes, and Teal'c was Fezzic, and Martouf was Inigo Montoya who killed Chronos with the power of true love."

"True love is that powerful?"

"Yes, it is."

The End

Copyright (c) 2005 Allie O'Neal

Disclaimer: I don't have any legal right to write Stargate or Princess Bride fanfic. I know this, and I appreciate it that those who do don't shut us down :)


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